1. X-MAS IN HELL

December 25th, 1986 - Van Nuys.

Merry Christmas.

That's what people say at Christmas, right?
Except normally they have someone to say it to.
They have friends and family,
And they haven't been crouched naked under a Christmas tree
With a needle in their arm like an insane person in a mansion in Van Nuys.
They're not out of their minds, they're not writing in a diary,
And they're definitely not watching their holiday spirit coagulate in a spoon.
I didn't speak to a single person today.
I figured why should I ruin their fucking Christmas.

I've started a new diary and this time I have a few new reasons.
One, I have no friends left.
Two, so I can read back and remember what I did the day before.
And three, so if I die, at least I leave a nice little suicide note of my life.

It's just me and you, diary. Welcome to my fucking life.

Nobody would believe the shit that happens in my head, it's haunted.
Now that I've come down from the drugs
It seems like a sick play that I saw in a theater somewhere.
Thirty minutes ago, I could've killed someone.
Or better yet, myself.


2. VAN NUYS

I don't want to die out here in the valley
Waiting for my luck to change
And I just want my dad to know
That I finally made it...

Everybody gets high
Everybody gets low
Everybody gets bruised
Everybody gets sold

I don't want to die out here in the valley
You don't have to lie,
I know that's what I'll do
I don't want my mom to know
That I never loved my life
And I sold my soul

Everybody gets high
Everybody gets low
Everybody gets bruised
Everybody gets sold
Everybody gets dark
Everybody unfolds
Everybody gets high
Everybody gets so low

And everyone's eyes are blue
And everyone's mouth is dry
And nobody wants to die
In Van Nuys
Van Nuys

Everybody gets high
Everybody gets low
Everybody gets bruised
Everybody gets sold
Everybody gets dark
Everybody unfolds
Everybody gets high
Everybody gets so low

Well you don't know how to get back to your crawlspace
Underneath the dirt and the rust and the waste
But the sun sets fast these days.

Everyone's eyes are blue
And everyone's mouth is dry
And nobody wants to die
In Van Nuys
Van Nuys

Everyone's eyes are blue
And everyone's mouth is dry
And nobody wants to die
In Van Nuys
Van--

Everyone's eyes are blue
And everyone's mouth is dry
And nobody wants to die
In Van Nuys, oh

Everyone's eyes are blue
And everyone's mouth is dry
And nobody wants to die
In Van Nuys
Van Nuys


3. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?


4. PRAY FOR ME

She lights a candle, but she doesn't know why.
She wants to save me, but i'm barely alive.
My soul is thirsty. I just wanna get high.
Make her go away.

Now i'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit,
And she drags me to church but i'm scared to commit,
And i'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my shit.
She wont go away.

And all I ask of her is
Pray for me,
'Cause I don't want to
Pray for me,
If you love me.
Cross your heart and hope that I wont die before the best day of my life.
Just pray for me tonight.

I dragged myself out of the bed that she made,
And I escape her in a black motercade
She's pushing bibles and a clear bill of health.
I can't make her go away.

Now i'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit,
And she drags me to church but i'm scared to commit,
And i'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my shit.
She wont go away.

And all I ask of her is
Pray for me,
'Cause I don't want to
Pray for me,
If you love me.
Cross your heart and hope that I don't die before the best day of my life.
Just pray for me tonight.

Now i'm hitting the wall and she begs me to quit,
And she drags me to church but i'm scared to commit,
And i'm loosing my mind 'cause she hides all my shit.
And all I ask of her is
Pray for me,
I don't want to
Pray for me,
If you love me.
Cross your heart and hope that I don't die before the best day of my life.
(Pray for me tonight)
Pray for me
(Pray for me tonight)
Pray for me
(Pray for me tonight)
Pray for me
(Pray for me tonight)
Pray for me
(Pray for me to- )


5. TOMMORROW

Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
'Cause nothing's gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They're gone in the blink of an eye

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide
'Cause everybody's got a reason
To justify how they're feelin'
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you'll know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way...

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.


6. ACCIDENT CAN HAPPEN

Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

So don't give up
It takes a while.


7. INTERMISSION

When I first placed my hands on these diaries
Scraps of paper, there were notes and scribbles and all kinds of shit
A lot of feelings came bubbling up, but mostly this one--

How the hell am I still alive?
That's what I think every day.

But more on that later.
After all, this is just the intermission.


8. DEAD MAN'S BALLET

Oh no, how could this happen to
Such an amazing young boy
I had my whole life ahead of me--

Oh God, how could you have let this
Happen to such a lovely young child
I was their only son and I tried,
Tried, tried--

[Spoken:]
Come on,
Come on get out of the way
Get out of the way man
You're going to have to let go of his arm
You have to let go sir
We've got about two minutes here
We've got about two minutes and we're going to lose him

Yeah, you, you miserable father
The one who ignored me for half of my life
Now I, I can't even look at you
Why? Why? Why?

Don't abandon me now
I don't want to die!

You can lead him to the ambulance
But you cannot make him live
No, you cannot make me live!
You can lead him to the ambulance
Lead me home!
But you cannot make him live

Would, could I have done differently
You never said there was anything wrong
Now the drugs, they give me encouragement
Why? Why? Why?

Oh God, tell me I'll make it
I'll give you my blood if that's all you need
Just don't tell me that I'm gonna die,
Die, die!

Don't abandon me now
I don't want to die
Alone...

You can lead him to the ambulance
But you cannot make him live
No you cannot make me live!
You can lead him to the ambulance
Why can't we celebrate? Lead me home!
But you cannot make him live


9. HEART FAILURE

When I think back on this life
I guess we were doing the best we could
And to look at us from the outside
I'm sure it seems somewhat romantic
But when you've tasted excess
Everything else tastes bland
Yeah, we had everything to lose
But we still lived like we were about to die
After all, we were the drug scouts of america

I've begun evaporating
Right before your eyes
I just keep regurgitating
My own demise

I miss today I miss the past
I miss my veins 'cause they've collapsed
A simple thought occurs to me

I'm face down on the tracks
The train is coming fast
And it's not derailing
It's not the first time
And this won't be the last
That my heart is failing

As the blood is rushing
To my head
And from my wrists
I'm in love with all the things I know I should resist

And all the times you said to me
Your falling down ones destiny
A simple thought occurs to me

I'm face down on the tracks
The train is coming fast
And you're right there waiting
It's not the first time
And this won't be the last
That my heart is failing

Like I was saying
The look in the eyes of death
Was intoxicating
Taking it into our lungs
Laughing at ourselves
Where others would probably cry
And more importantly
I'm proud of this guy
Staring face to face with the demons
And not back down
Takes a constitution that most people just don't have
A life gets soiled with sex, drugs and rock and roll

I'm face down on the tracks
The train is coming fast
And it's not derailing
It's not the first time
And this won't be the last
That my heart is failing

I'm face down on the tracks
The train is coming fast
And you're right there waiting
It's not the first time
And this won't be the last
That my heart is failing


10. GIRL WITH GOLDEN EYES

She speaks to me in Persian
Tells me that she loves me
The girl with golden eyes
And though I hardly know her
I let her in my veins
And trust her with my life

I wish I had never kissed her
'Cause I just can't resist her
The girl with golden eyes
Every time she whispers
'Take me in your arms
The way you did last night.'

Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.

I wake up every morning
Jonesing for her love
The girl with golden eyes
I won't have to wait long
'Til she buries me with roses
'Cause she's always by my side

Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.

[Spoken Word]
Day one. Dope free. I went to the clinic today and got the first dose of methadone.
I'm out of dope so I threw away all my rigs.
Day two. I can't believe it's been two days without junk.
Fucking smack, it just ruins peoples' lives.
At first it seems so sweet, then you wake up next to a monster.
Day three. I haven't had anything for three days now.
This withdrawal is killing me. It's like shock therapy to my guts.
Day four. Last visit to the clinic. My whole body feels like it's cracking into pieces.
Fragile doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.
Day five-- I'm sick as a dog, but this handful of painkillers
and a lotta whiskey's gonna get me through.
Day six-- When I'm left to my own devices I go fucking insane.
I'll never use heroin again.
Day seven-- I can't believe I'm clean!
Day eight-- Everyone says I look better--
Day nine-- The parasites are panicking--
Day ten-- They seem amazed that I'm alive!

Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.
Everything will be okay
Everything will be alright
If I can get away from her
And save my worthless life.


11. COURTESY CALL

[Dialtone, knocking]
[Female voice:] Housekeeping...
[Knocking]
[Female:] Hello, housekeeping?
[Tries, door, knocking]
[Female:] Hello?

Well you found me, but I don't know
Why you wanna save me...
Well, God is great and God is good
But God didn't help me when he could
And life dances so lonely by.

This is just a courtesy call
This is just a matter of policy
This is just an act of kindness
To let you know that your time is up
This is just a courtesy call
This is just a matter of policy
This is just an act of kindness
To let you know that your time is up

I, I can't feel anything
My arms are numb and I'm hoping
You noticed the line I left off
All that you'll find inside
Are bells and butterflies
But I'll be smiling when I die

This is just a courtesy call
This is just a matter of policy
This is just an act of kindness
To let you know that your time is up
This is just a courtesy call
This is just a matter of policy
This is just an act of kindness
To let you know that your time is up

This is just a courtesy call
This is just a matter of policy
This is just an act of kindness
To let you know that your time is up

[Knocking]
[Female:] Sir, I know you're in there; are you okay?
[Male voice:] Excuse me, ma'am, what's the problem here?
[Female:] No one answering.
[Male:] Who's in here. Hello?
[Knocking]
[Male:] Hello? Stepping in the room now...
[Keys jingle, LOUD blunt thump, dialtone gets louder]
[Male:] Oh Jesus Christ!
[Female:] Oh! Ooh!

This is just a courtesy call
This is just a matter of policy
This is just an act of kindness
To let you know that your time is up
This is just a courtesy call
This is just a matter of policy
This is just an act of kindness
To let you know that your time is up

This is just a courtesy call
(Why'd you want to save me?)
This is just a matter of policy
(Why'd you want to save me now?)
This is just an act of kindness
(What'd you want to do it for?)
To let you know that your time is up
This is just a courtesy call
(Why would you wanna save my life?)
This is just a matter of policy
(I know you did or you could)
This is just an act of kindness
(It's been comin' for a long time, long time...)
To let you know that your time is up


12. PERMISSION

I apologize
That your memory serves you more than I can now
You'll have to make sense of my life somehow
Yeah, somehow

Well, I close my eyes
Remove each piece of armor one by one
Inhale this moment deep into my lungs
Make amends for all I've done

All of my devils are free at last
And all my secrets revealed
And your permission is all I
Need to heal

Well how long have I
Been sitting here, I must have drifted off
I cannot finish any of my thoughts
Forgive me for my wayward shot

All of my devils are free at last
And all my secrets revealed
And your permission is all I
Need to heal

I wake up in the morning, and it comes back to you
I breathe in I breathe out, it comes back to you
I stare up at the ceiling, and it comes back to you
I step out my front door, and it comes back to you
The end of my driveway, it comes back to you
Brakelights on the highway, it comes back to you
I could die in Los Angeles.
It would come back to you.

All of my devils, they are free at last, oh
And all my secrets are revealed, yeah
And your permission is all that I,
I need to feel
All of my devils, they are free at last, oh
And all my secrets are revealed, yes they are
And your permission is all that I need.


13. LIFE AFTER DEATH

So here we are at the end,
And at the same time we're at the beginning
Of this misadventure.
Why I had to go down a dead end street
At 200 miles an hour
Screaming for vengeance and embracing death,
That's still something I'm trying to figure out.
You know a part of me thinks this is some big master plan
To expose the raw nerve endings of dysfunction so I can heal.
But you know addicts, we think everything's about us, don't we?

Man, it got so convoluted, polluted, and distorted
I turned it into my armor, my defense mechanism,
And my weapon of self destruction.
Yeah, I had a fucked up childhood. And I was a troubled teen.
Those are facts.
How I got there? That's a story told by many voice.
It's not my job to blame anybody anymore,
I just need to accept the path I was given.

This is, without a doubt,
My life... after death.