1. RETARDED DISFIGURED CLOWN (INTRO)

Learning to love life
By living through loss and mistakes
Lessons learned, then gradually surfacing
Letting go
Stripping naked to scream
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be
I am alive in this world of face-first falls
And public breakdowns
I'm a retarded, disfigured clown
Dying to be heard for the simple art
Of letting this heavy wall finally fall
I'm an equal being of no race or color
A hallucination, if you will
Sneaking into the lives of strangers
And letting them fall apart to a new rhythm
Just to feel better

2. INDIPENDENTLY HAPPY

I feel that it's hard enough to say goodbye
I feel there's the water, should I sink or die?
But an empty plate
Fill up my sentimental morning stars
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie
I still want the girl that really caught my eye
But she lives in Oklahoma City, far away from me
Well there's an empty hope chest
I quit the dope quest
And remain independently happy

Chorus:

I'm finally happy
Happy
Independently happy

And I deal with the fact that I've forgotten the worst
And I feel that my social behavior may seem
Somewhat unrehearsed
But another page, a sullen rage
And I'll be back to my normal self

Chorus:

I'm finally happy
Happy
Independently happy

And I drive to the edge of my considerate plain
And I apologize to the people I hurt on the way
But I, I wipe the slate clean
I kick the daydream
And remain independently happy

Chorus:

I'm finally happy
Happy
I'm independently, I'm independently happy

3. JAMES

Kneel down
Close your eyes
Hit the ground
I want you to, to kneel all day
Alone in this desolate cave
So I said, scream if you want to
Cause no, no-one is around
I want you to, to scream all day
Cause there's eleven words that I've rehearsed to say

Chorus:

And I say
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)
(You you you, you)

You're not so brave
When I'm the snake
And you're my prey
And let me tell you I'll, I'll eat all day
Alone in this desolate cave
So I say, squeal if you want to
Cause no, no-one is around
I want you to, to squeal all day
Cause there's eleven words that I've rehearsed to say

Chorus:

And I say
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)
(You you you, you)

James!
James!
James!

Chorus:

James, how I love to hate you!
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)
(How how, how, how I love to hate you)

4. HRSA (HIGH RISK OF SELF ABUSE)

Committed at twenty-two
Just to get over you
My belly aches blue
Lorazepam flu
I'm down for the count
Always three times a day
Sometimes four, sometimes four
A bee stings straight through the arm
A high swing I ride upon
My eyes can't quite focus on
The nurse with my Lucky Charms
Well a two-step was just a laugh
Our boundaries were broke in half
It's a good thing to know
As you walk into group for the show
To group for the show

Knock-knock on the windowpane
My smoke break, the hour rang
My quiet roommate who sleeps the same
And woke up when dinner came
The man's no more than forty old
Arrived scared two days ago
A family of earth and gold
But still nonetheless alone
I learned quick, knew what to say
Then three angels walked my way
In Spanish tongue they knelt to pray
And said, "God, keep him safe from
Screaming voices"
They became my family
Outstretched the hands around my head
Ya know boy, I can feel them breathing
They actually knelt down and prayed for me
They actually knelt down and prayed for me

Don't you dare put me on H.R.S.A.
Does self-abuse extend your hospital stay?
Well I think I'll lie a bit
Lord, I won't cry over anything
Over anything at all
Over anything at all
Over anything at all
All
No
I won't cry over anything
I won't cry over anything, no
No, I won't cry over anything
Over anything at all

5. BREAKFAST AFTER 10

White kitchen walls with a thousand windows
You turn on Winston in the den
And I'm still asleep, but I can hear the piano
When you make breakfast after 10
And I smell the coffee on your fingers
I still smell the perfume in the bed
The crushed linen roses are on everything
And you're still inside my head

Chorus:

You gotta make her know how it feels
To miss you
Let her know you're swapping sides
You're not the one with all the problems, no, no
You're the one with all the pride

So just pick your head up, boys, and walk away
Walk the coolest walk that you know
Cause in a month or two she'll call you
You gotta hang up the phone

And I hope she knows I've got this memory
That won't ever seem to break or bend
A thick lock and sheet rock is on my windows
In the kitchen, no
I don't think I'll ever take em down again

And I've learned a lot from all these
Break-ups and make-ups and fuck-ups and fake-ups
Things that I wish you could comprehend
Yeah, comprehend
But for now I'll lace up my wingtip shoes, boys
And I'll, I'll go have breakfast with my good friends

Chorus:

You gotta make her know how it feels to miss you
Let her know you're swapping sides
You're not the one with all the problems
You're not the one with all the problems
You're the one with all the pride

You gotta make her know how it feels to miss you
Let her know you're swapping spit
You're not the one with all the problems
You're not the one with all the problems
She's the one that's full of shit

So just pick your head up, boys, and walk away
Walk the coolest walk that you know
I know you know
That in a month or two the bitch will call you

6. BALANCE BEAM

I haven't been quite the same
So sure the story of my life would never change
But in a bright-eyed way
I, I rinsed out the soap in my eyes
And wrote a song that I'm about to sing
Cause it's about a girl that I hardly even know
So this is not another love song
Just a list of things that I should know
And everyone should know that

Chorus:

One: you gotta take it kinda slowly
Two: you gotta hurry up and make your move
Three: you gotta tell her that she's pretty
Four: you gotta be the perfect gentleman
You shake her wall, you gotta make it bend, yeah
You gotta show her that she's the balance beam
And I keep falling all around her fairy tale
Said ha, my fairy tale

We took a walk in the rain
I suggested she confess
There's a heart nearby to cast that shade
Stay cool but I'm giddy like a schoolboy
You gotta handle with care, this is not a toy
And gradually we touched
Although our clothes were wet we sat and smiled
I never thought I'd smile so much
The first kiss always says the most, so

Chorus:

One: you gotta take it kinda slowly
Two: you gotta hurry up and make your move
Three: you gotta tell her that she's pretty
And four: you gotta be the perfect gentleman
You shake her wall, you gotta make it bend, yeah
You gotta show her that she's the balance beam
And I keep falling all around her fairy tale
Said ha, my fairy tale

Fairy tale
Fairy tale

Some kind of fairy tale
Some kind of fairy tale
And everyone should know that

7. HOLLER

When you holler, baby
When you holler at me what you want me to be
When you holler, baby
When you holler at me what you want me to

Chorus:

I won't be strong, and I won't be brave
I'll never stay cause you don't treat me the right way
I won't be part of this drawn-out game
I'll never stay cause you don't treat me the right way

You're holding my back against the sunshine
You might not think it's over
But it's over for me
I need your reflection like a thin line
You might not think it's over but it's over for

Chorus:

I won't be strong, and I won't be brave
I'll never stay cause you don't treat me the right way
I won't be part of this drawn-out game
I'll never stay cause you don't treat me the right way

You don't treat me the right way

Chorus:

I won't be strong, I won't be brave
I'll never stay cause you don't treat me the right way
I won't be part of this drawn-out game
I'll never stay cause you don't treat me the right way

You don't treat me the right way

8. SCHIZOPHRENIA

A silver-plated numbing gun
And Jesus resting on my thumb
A hard-to-reach malaria
I've got the mood that seems to scare ya
And I'm paranoid, self-destroyed
Believe me Lord, I'm sorry
I've got the mood that seems to bury ya
I've got the nightmare called schizophrenia

Chorus:

I cry, I cry, and I don't know why
The fever becomes my home
I cry, I cry, and I don't know why
The fever becomes my home
Becomes my home
Becomes my

And I love it when you're holding me
You have a gentle way of calming
I haven't felt that way since 1993
When my mom held me
I bet you're bet waiting for the long sob story
Of how I was mistreated again, no
But no, I wasn't built that way
I was strong, desperately brave
And I didn't mean to scare ya
Schizophrenia

Chorus:

I cry, I cry, and I don't know why
The fever becomes my home
I cry, I cry, and I don't know why
The fever becomes my home
Becomes my home
Becomes my home

I cry, I cry, and I don't know why
I cry, I cry, and I don't know why
It becomes my home
It becomes my home
It becomes my home
The fever becomes my home
Becomes my
Becomes my home

9. DROP

I touch the tongue to see
A devil's face in front of me
I said, man, in front of me
You blow your nose then cry
And the clown demands a sad goodbye
I said, man, a sad goodbye
Black below the tree
White horses dead in front of me
I said, man, in front of me
A scar below the cheek
Where there's a sweaty man with a bloody sink
I said, man, a bloody sink

Chorus:

So it's just a trip, not a way to ease your pain
(This is not a way to ease your pain)
Self-help, tell another shrink the same damn thing
(Listen for the way to ease your pain
Stay cool, everything is going to be OK
(I think it's the right time to ease your pain)
Until you decide to drop again
Until you decide to drop again

A blue jean girl to be
And still the sweaty man is behind the trees
Behind the trees
The flip side of sanity is the game
I'm fourteen million miles away
I'm fourteen million miles away, away from sane
The dark man in the restroom windowpane
Whose words just pour out human pain

Chorus:

It's just a trip, not a way to ease your pain
(This is not a way to ease your pain)
Self-help, tell another shrink the same damn thing
(Listen for the way to ease your pain
Stay cool, everything is going to be OK
(I think it's the right time to ease your pain)
Until you decide to drop again
Until you decide to drop

Now I'm so high, so high, so high
So high, so I decide
Till you decide to trip again
A carnival ride to trip again
Until you decide, until you decide

It's just a trip, not a way to ease your pain
Self-help, tell another shrink the same damn thing
Until you decide to drop again

10. CONVERSATION VIA RADIO (DO YOU EVER WONDER)

You must be broken
By the thousand ways of wasting time
Get to the point
And off a hundred lines a week
No need to change my mind
A cleaner shade of thinking time
But I seem to think more
Than I act upon most things

Chorus:

Do you ever wonder
How hard you hit, you broke my thunder
Do you ever wonder

A scar was sewn
A drop of blood was saved for making wine
Still no repent
On how you crumble when I shake
A mental jaw was used
To pry me from this wrecking bond
But the sad detail is all the promises that I make

Chorus:

Do you ever wonder
How hard you hit, you broke my thunder
Do you ever wonder

I'm cramped and crawling from under the dead and I
I'm sick of living without you in bed and I
I've made mistakes that I wrote, that I read
But now I just can't seem to be preoccupied
The heart was tossed with a black lace chain
And with these hands that I write with
And the oath that I live by, you know
I will never be with you

Chorus:

Do you ever wonder
How hard you hit, you broke my thunder
Do you ever wonder

Cause God made this night for me
The silly devil in me talking
Romantic company for walking
Over and out, over and out
But this year's the year I write to be
That silly devil in me talking
Romantic company for walking
Over and out, over and out

Chorus:

Do you ever wonder
How hard you hit, you broke my thunder
Do you ever wonder
How hard you hit, you broke my

11. ANGEL

I'm wishing the bathwater clean
She hides in the back and is unseen
I take off the mask that surrounds me
Look me in the face, what do you see?
I feel like a boy of age thirteen
My body grows up but my mind stays the same
Look me in the face, what do you see?

How do you tell an angel
That you don't believe in God?
Why do I feel like such a stranger?
I look around
I look around and all my friends are gone

Chorus:

But oh, would you be me?
Cause I would be you
Oh, you'd be happy
Only if you wanted to

How do you tell your father
That you want him to notice you
Why does this seem like such a bother?
Well, when Mom says, "he'd be better off dead"
But I want to see you
I still want to see you

Oh, would you call me?
Oh, it's not hard to
I'm the first one, oh, that you gave birth to
And oh, would you write me?
And oh, would you write me?
On my birthday
Graduation was yesterday, yesterday

How do you hold the special victim?
When they push you away
When they've been raped on the inside
Torn on the outside
Feel dirt and ugly from the stain that they try to hide
Touched in private places
Embarrassed faces
Too scared to ask for help, why?

Chorus:

But oh, would you be me?
Cause I would be you
Oh, you'd be happy
Only if you wanted to
And ah, would you trade me?
Cause I would trade you
Oh, you'd be happy
Only if you wanted to

I'm wishing the bathwater clean
She hides in the back and is unseen
I take off the mask that surrounds me
Look me in the face, what do you see?

12. LIBBY I'M LISTENING

Inner tube, sunset
With a kiss and a cigarette
You're better than any midnight sex
I can't stop cause you feel too good
I won't stop but I know I should
Believe me I'm not always on a serious side

Chorus:

Cause I can make you laugh, if he makes you scream
If he breaks you, tell me everything
Cause here we are alone again
And Libby I'm listening again
Cause I can make you laugh, if he makes you scream
If he breaks you, tell me everything
Cause here we are alone again
And Libby I'm listening

It's hard to fill the empty space
When they are prayers, your love
Your fucking grace
Closed eyes sleeping face to face
Sweet girl with such a tender taste

Chorus:

Cause I can make you laugh, if he makes you scream
If he breaks you, tell me everything
Cause here we are alone again
And Libby I'm listening again
Cause I can make you laugh, if he makes you scream
If he breaks you, tell me everything
Cause here we are alone again
And Libby I'm listening

Libby
I just want to listen to you, please!

Chorus:

Cause I can make you laugh, if he makes you scream
If he breaks you, tell me everything
Cause here we are alone again
And Libby I'm listening again
Cause I can make you laugh, if he makes you scream
If he breaks you, tell me everything
Here we are again, so!

Libby I'm, Libby I'm, Libby I'm listening to you
Libby I'm, Libby, unwind
Libby I'm, Libby I'm, Libby I'm listening to you
Libby I'm, Libby, unwind
Yeah

13. AMNESIA

Trampoline
Baby I'm your trampoline
Oh you jump, so hard
But I always catch your fall
So now I'll just hide away
You know I think I will hide away
Oh I run, so fast
But I always lose them all

Chorus:

I wish I could go to sleep
And wake up with amnesia
And try to forget the things that I've done
I wish I knew how to keep
The promises I made you
But life, I guess it goes on
Yeah, I know it goes on
You see, I've learned it goes on
But then I'll hang us on the wall
And I'll crawl to the open side
And I'm blind to it all
So why don't you
Crawl in my open side
Become blind to it all

Time to pray
You know I think it is time to pray
For the contortion, my abortion
That I somehow shoved away
I think it is right for me
You know, I think it is right for me
When I was young I was stung
And I somehow lost God's faith

Chorus:

I wish I could go to sleep
And wake up with amnesia
And try to forget the things that I've done
I wish I knew how to keep the promises I made you
But life, I guess it goes on
Yeah, I know it goes on
You see, I've learned it goes on
Then I'll hang up on the wall
And I'll crawl to the open side
And I'm blind to it all
So why don't you
Crawl in my open side
Become blind to it all
To it all, to it all, to it all, to it all, all all

Way back when I must have sinned
I break down profound, beginning, end
Head-trip, re-grip what doesn't end
But I'm wishing this amnesia would kick in
Way back when I must have sinned
I break down profound, beginning, end
Head-trip, re-grip what doesn't end
But I'm wishing this amnesia would kick in

14. THE ANSWER

If I can't crawl inside of you
I'm laughing with a broken face
I stumble across my self-esteem
But to picture the pleasure
Is making me want my space
Understand
That God wrapped you like a bow
But in my head
There's some shelves that need cleaning
From basement to ceiling, control

If what you're seeing is an open book
That's great, well I'm an open book
But I'm real shy
Now there's a part of me seeking
And desperately needing to open up
That's strange cause I'm an open book
A confused boy

Chorus:

And I'm an automatic steeple
For depressed and lonely people
My heart, while in it's cage
Is used to give and not receive a thing
But the only funny thing is that
I don't know how to give myself advice
And I've got this post-traumatic thing
I've got this tattoo of a ring that lies
Around my wedding finger
That's where I want to state this claim
That I've got to learn to live and dream
Before I go and get myself in love
In love
Before, before, before I go and get myself in love

There's Zoloft, Welbutrin, there's Paxil that's proven
No side effects
But the rest left unnamed
Cause they'd work like a charm on me
But when your savings is drying
You can't stop from crying
You've got to suck it up
You're not her buttecup
You're not her favorite book

Chorus:

And I'm an automatic steeple
For depressed and lonely people
My heart, while in it's cage
Is used to give and not receive a thing
But the only funny thing is that
I don't know how to give myself advice
And I've got this post-traumatic thing
I've got this tattoo of a ring that lies
Around my wedding finger
That's where I want to state this claim
That I've got to learn to live and dream
Before I go and get myself in love
In love
Before, before, before I go and get myself in love