1. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

It's a 3 day weekend, I'm loading up my truck
Got tons of beer, might shot a deer, blow the shit out of a duck
Stever's got a cross bow, Jamie a shotgun
Anything that fucking moves, ready aim fire! [blam]
Oh my god I can't believe the antlers on that buck
It would take 40 men to load him in the truck
Niceshot, niceshot, niceshot
Got that sucker right between the eyes,
Let's get a cold one don

Love seats made from hides, stock your smoke house full of meat
Pink and blue and yellow key chains made from rabbits feet
Trade your jerky to the indians, enjoy a goon skin hat
Whip up some homemade crisco with the extra fat

I'm wishing
A flock of geese would fly on by
I'm hoping
I can bag not 4 but 5
Reloading
Jesus fucking christ
That's the biggest moose I have ever seen in my life
Get my gun, god damn it, get him

Trophies on your wall, slap some new boots on your feet
The wallet in my pocket kinda smells like meat
A half a dozen quail, a hearty rack of lamb
There must be 50 beavers in that fucking dam

If I can't shoot them I'll start a forest fire
Watch 'em run right at my gun, no need for Oscar Meyer
God damn it, that's a fine looking piece of meat young man
That one's for me so get ready I'm ready for that one their

Love seats made from hides, stock your smoke house full of meat
Pink and blue and yellow key chains made from rabbits feet
Trade your jerky to the indians, enjoy a goon skin hat
Whip up some homemade crisco with the extra fat


2. LUCKY THE DONKEY

My mother fucked a donkey
Down in Mexico
She had treinta margaritas
Treinta years ago
Her purse had just been stolen
She rad to make some cash
For fifty thousand pesos
The donkey fucked her ass

I'm so ashamed it makes me sick
My mother's box was his salt lick
Human-donkey fornication
Her taco is the destination

It soon became apparent
It wasn't for the dough
A genuine fiesta
At the donkey show
The crowd would shout "ole!"
As she nibbled on his sack
They never had a patron
Demand their money back

A real freak show in the pit
The donkey's fucking my moms tits
Acting like a true ranchero
Dancing around a big sombrero

The donkey's name was Lucky
Oh, boy, he loved to fuck
He'd get so damn excited
He'd kick and make you duck
If you want to be star
It's easy to be famous
Just pull down your pants
Let lucky fuck your anus

I'm so ashamed it makes me sick
My mother's box was his salt lick
Acting like a true ranchero
Dancing around a big sombrero

Lucky, the luckiest donkey
Lucky, the luckiest donkey
Lucky, the luckiest donkey
Lucky, the luckiest donkey


3. BIG PINK DRESS

Howdy folks, it's me again, got a message to convey
I'm so confused what's to lose, I think I might turn gay
On the day my bitch left she said, stick it up your rear
She never thought she'd hear these words, woo your mustache is so tickly down there

Drill my ass
Oh god it's so tight
Drill my ass
This is my first time
Drill my ass
I love you, love you too

I live with bill, it's such a thrill, we get it on so fine
We tend our garden everyday, sometimes we get 69
Play dress up and have puppet shows, we skip and dance and sing
He's so helpful, he shaves my back, mark, it's my turn to wear the cowboy hat

It's so hard
It feels so right
It's so hard
The way he holds me
It's so hard
I could just die
When we go drinking
It's so hard
The we start thinking
It's so hard
But doing it to liberace then we bake a quiche

We went to church, he held my hand, I gazed into his eyes
He kissed my ear, I said oh dear, my shaft began to rise
He whispered, let's get married, I squeaked and shouted yes
Suddenly our lives a big mess, he wore a tux, I wore a big pink dress

Drill my ass
Not sure I'm right
Drill my ass
What was I thinking
Drill my ass
I like bull fights
Drill my ass
No more knitting
Drill my ass
No more skipping
I tried it once a whole 6 months so long mustache


4. DO THE HUSTLE

Hey, how did everybody get in my room?

It's saturday another perfect day
until I hit the boardwalk headed towards the pier
"You're fucking gay!"
"Fuck you! Outta my way!"
50,000 jackoffs on rollerblades
Greased up dolphin shorts
Wrist guards so it won't hurt
Your mediocre girlfriend hits a parked car! Yea!
So until the day you learn to surf or skate;
College jackoff faggot, Sportin Oakley shades!

On rollerblades! Yea!
Crash helmets to be safe!
On rollerblades! Yea!
Crash helmets to be safe!

Whoopie! It's fun to skate!
I'll do a figure 8
Watch me do a circle
going backwards down the stairs
Oh gee! This is fun!
Looks like I better run
14 guys on skateboards wanna ollie off my head!
Yea!

This sport is so extreme
You roller disco queens
Go and do the hustle at the roller wonderland
She blades to shrink her thighs
So she can justify
2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun!

Neat! Neat! I really think its neat!
I'm stealing every trick from every
skateboarder i meet
Neat! Neat! I really think its neat!
You stupid faggot roller bladers!!

Roller Wonderland!
Cum-guzzlin Fruitcakes!
I hope you break your hands!
Roller Wonderland!
Cum-guzzlin Fruitcakes!
I hope you break your fucking neck!!

YOU STUPID ROLLER SKATER GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!!


5. GOOD FRIDAY

Thank you for the Easter Bunny sitting at my door!
It wasn't made of chocolate but it shit right on my floor!
Thank you God for X-Mas trees
Return the gifts for money!

Thank you for my paycheck, now here's your 10%
I'd love to give you more but I barely make my rent!
Thank you Lord for turning fruity grapes right into wine!
It sure does make it easy to try out my pick up line!

Once there was no t.p. inside my hotel room!
The Bible had 10,000 pages I only used a few!
Sunday school was such a joy
Forced to fondle Reverend Roy!

Good Friday!


6. BAKER'S DOZEN

Oh my God! I'm confused!
I want to go punk, but there's way too many rules
Pardon me, Mr. Punker
I'm looking for some insight on the core that's right for me
Tell me please, I'm down on my knees
I like my beer, I like my steer, I don't want any holes in my face
I'm no queer
I bought some docs, Black Flag Rocks
Mosh and crowd surf!

I wanna be unusual
I wanna be punk rock
I wanna be unusual

Should I be emo and just cry?
Maybe I'll go skacore and skank until I die?
How about hardcore? Really hardcore
I fucking hate that metal shit
Sober vegans you all suck!
So what's your core? Stupid whore!
You must be a riot girl
You're not very funny
Hey, nice tattoo, use some shampoo
Rice cakes, soymilk
Go Sid Vicious!

I wanna be unusual
I wanna be punk rock
I wanna be unusual

Skacore
Snowcore
Hardcore
Homocore
Albacore
I can't take it anymore!
My core
Your core
This core
That core
One core
I can't take it!

I want to be unusual
I wanna be punk rock
I wanna be unusual
I wanna be punk rock
I wanna be unusual
I wanna be unusual
I wanna be unusual


7. ABORT MISSION

It's Friday night, I've got a date
With this vegan girl Kate
You know I really like her style
And smile and style, whoa!

I love you Kate, but you've gone too far
You won't even sit in my brand new car
It's got reclining bucket seats
And a cd player so what's your fucking beef

Is it my cozy leather seats
Is it the covers made from sheep
Okay I guess that we can walk
And walk and walk and walk

What kind of guy do you think I am?
You only take off your shoes when you're in Japan
I bought this outfit just for you
So what if their suede and now my jacket too

So what am I supposed to do?
I'll freeze to death and get the flu
Okay I'll do it just for you
For you, for you, for you

We made it out and we had an okay time
I caught pneumonia and a mild case of frostbite
She said, I'm sorry mark, I hope that you pull through
Next time we go out please just wear some different shoes
I tried to fuck her and you know what happened then
She said that condom you've got is made from a lambs skin
So what's your problem
So what's your problem

Last Friday night you know I had this date
It was with this vegan girl, I think her name was Kate
If you're looking for some action or if you want to score
Just eat some bark or acorns and she will like you more than me


8. CORPSE ROTTING IN HELL

You don't wanna know


9. LIPSTICK

On a Tuesday afternoon
My mom came in my room
And said get the fuck up out of bed
And get a god damned job
So I told her, hey hey fuck you mom
And I threw the phone at her head
But I missed and hit her in the snatch
So I slammed the door in her face
"Don't ever barge in my room
Or I'll kick your ass and call the cops
And tell them I'm abused
And you'll wind up in jail
While I go snowboard in vail
No one to post your bail
Cause daddy loves me more
He says that you're a..."

You're worthless, you're lazy, you're stupid
A little overweight
Now give me 20 bucks
Mommy, you're so worthless, you're lazy, you're stupid
A little overweight
Now give me 20 bucks
No make it 50 bucks

Now mom writes me letters
I write return to sender
Let her rot there in her cell
I watch the dogs mate on her bed
Sorry mommy I had to pawn
The china silver and all your jewelry
I had to eat
And rent a bunch of prostitutes like you

You're lazy, you're stupid
A little overweight
Now give me 20 bucks
Mommy, you're so worthless, you're lazy, you're stupid
A little overweight
Now give me 20 bucks
No make it 50 bucks

No make it 60 bucks
Make it 75
Why don't you just give me your whole god damn purse?
I hope you're having fun rotting in jail
Maybe I'll come visit you, nah

Enjoy your stretch in jail


10. WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER

Can't believe
What the Hell is in front of me?
You must be fucking 70 at least!
What the Hell's your problem?
Problem!
Ozzy and Motley Crue and Kiss
I thought that you were through
But I kinda liked the Kiss show

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time

Let's get Ozzy off the stage!
Let's get Motley off the stage!
Let's Stanley off the stage!
Let's get Ozzy off the stage!
Let's get Motley off the stage!
Let's Stanley off the stage tonight!

You were good 20 years ago
Too much pot, a little too much blow!
Now the bypass surgery, New hip
At seizure world, enjoy your stay
Shuffle Board, Bingo, Macrame
3 hot meals liquefied for you!
YEEEE!


11. S.D.F.B.

She's a little angel, only 17
She don't need no money, she just winks her eye
She won't give you any but if you're in a band
Then she'll call you daddy, I think you understand
Mommy's little princess if they could see you now
Their precious little girl, I think she's going down
She thinks she's got them fooled but everyone sees
That she ain't no angel but hell she aims to please

She'll make you think that you're the one
Loves you for an hour and than she's gone
Every weekend it's another band
She's seen everybody's tour van

Stay away from me
Stay away from me

You fucked all the punk bands, it don't make you cool
You have become a joke, nobody needs you
It's time to be yourself, it's time to stop the act
I might like you better so just get off your back

She'll make you think that you're the one
Loves you for an hour and than she's gone
Every weekend it's another band
She's seen everybody's tour van

Stay away from me
Stay away from me


12. WHAT IF?

Dateline the early 1970's
Now world famous rock quartet The Doors lead singer James Morrison has recently died
While down but certainly not out
The surviving members desperately tried to piece together their broken lives
Every option was considered, a new name
The windows, the walls, even the door knobs
Ultimately, the band opted to carry on under the original Doors name auditioning new singers.
One young hopeful, a struggling art student from Athens Georgia,
Fred Schnider, who went on to front the hugely successful B-52's tried out for this position
The lyrical style of the young Schnider more known for his quick wit and imprompto jams
Was hard fought to match the well structured melodies of the classic Doors numbers.
Let's listen in...

Love me 2 times
Love me 3 times
I've got me a car
It seats about 20
So hurry up and bring your jukebox money
Gloria, Gloria
You're living in your own private Idaho
Living in your own private Idaho
This is the end
This is the end
Wammy kiss me wammy hug
Revitalize me give me wammy love yeah!

Light my fire
We couldn't get much hire
He was in a jam
He's in a giant clam


13. PERFECT WORLD

If I lived in a perfect world
I would spend my days lying in the sun
The party never ends in a perfect world
If your life has hit the skids
Wave goodbye to the wife and kids
I'm ready to move into a perfect world

Nacho cheese and anarchy
Boy that sure sounds good to me
Every kind of drug is free
In the new America
Shoot your pistol in the air
Celebrate a brand new year
Living leisurely in a perfect world

If I lived in a perfect world
I would spend my days lying in the sun
The party never ends in a perfect world
If your life has hit the skids
Wave goodbye to the wife and kids
I'm ready to move into a perfect world

Everybody's drinking hams
Goodbye all you straight edge bands
Sit around and get a tan
In the new America
When I turn on my TV
Nothing but pornography
No more rated "G" in a perfect world

Strung out hookers everywhere
Have a picnic feed the bears
Now nobody even cares
In the new America
Nothing in this worlds for free
Cause everything belongs to me
No more green fees in a perfect world

If I lived in a perfect world
I would spend my days lying in the sun
The party never ends in a perfect world
If your life has hit the skids
Wave goodbye to the wife and kids
Everyone's in a perfect world


14. GOLD

I think I've been infected with the flu
Once again boredom's got me feeling blue
Sometimes in this life you've got to cut the crap
Sit down for my rights cause I don't care

To do what everybody else would do
I'm fine right here
I voted once but I didn't win
I'll never vote again

People say that I should give a damn
People say that I should respect this land
But I say, no way I won't compromise
Anyway my life remains the same

It's great, come join me at the lake
It's freshly stocked
No work, just play, leeching off the state all day
Clears my mind

They say this is the land of the free
To me that means I have the liberty
To sit down for my rights cause I don't care

To do what everybody else would do
I'm fine right here
I voted once but I didn't win
I'll never vote again

(God bless America, home of the whopper
God bless America, billions billions served)

Every week from Moscow to Madagascar,
Ronald McDonald's smile warms the hearts of all people
Regardless of race, color, creed, sex and social status
By opening 3 new McDonald's restaurants
As ambassador of my country, America,
Ronald personally invites you to join him on his quest to end world hunger
Enjoy


15. MUSICAL MONKEY

I've got a fanzine so I should know
Everything about every band, I turned punk 2 years ago
I tell my subjects, I'm D.I.Y.
I'll call your band a sellout and I'll tell convenient lies

I've got a lot of staples
And too much...

Time to trash a band, well they fucking blow
I wasn't on the list that's why I didn't make the show
No major labels, they really suck
Except for Bad Religion, can't get their sticker off my truck

I got my own agenda
I write the rules

I'll use my mom's cash, nobody knows
You calling me a liar, yeah my story has some holes
I'll start a label, rip off the bands
I'll liberate the punk scene, just part of my master plan

If it's in my zine, it must be true
Who told you I'm always crying just because I'm getting sued
That guy's an asshole, that band's on ludes
I guess my little fanzine is like the weekly world news