Agony of Victory
Come on underachievers
Come on all you underpass believers
We'll give you the skill for street livin'
It feels pretty great to just give in,
so just give in...

Dropouts, repeat offenders
We'll take the weary, weak, the street bartenders
Show ‘em the best times are on the street
Satisfaction through the thrill of defeat,
ain't it sweet?

Once you stop yourself from caring
About owning stuff, that's when you wanna start sharing
Cuz all the things we want are cheap or free
I define success as not working
and I live like a king

We've got no competition
We've got no accomplished mission
We just wanna live and let others live
Of course we'll take anything you wanna give,
so fucking give

Come on, dance like a retard
Life's an endless party not a punch card
I don't understand some people's drive
Let's just fuck and drink and be alive,
not just survive.

Best God In Show I have no consideration
Zero mutual respect
For billions who suffer from rational thought neglect
I don't wanna waste a sentence
I don't want a conversation
That's gonna end in disdain disbelief and aggravation

And I find it's getting harder to hang out
With grown adults who actually believe
In Santa Clause and Noah's Ark, and Their god is the best
My distaste has turned into detest

Who would read a 2000-year-old medical journal?
Techniques for blood-letting
Advice on trichinosis
Would you navigate the globe
With a map of a flat Earth?
Without DNA testing would you believe virgin birth?

And I find it's getting painful to put up
With grown adults who actually believe
In unicorns and creation and god always takes their side
That's when my innocent jabbing turns snide

Thank god for the Grammy
Thank god for the touchdown
Thank god for blowing up the enemy's sacred ground
So how am I supposed to take anything you say seriously
When you swap free will for faith, hope and pre-destiny?

And it's getting agonizing to hang out
With grown adults who actually believe
Mythology and history trump physics and science
My aversion has turned to aberrance

Blasphemy
I'll throw a pie in the face of my ???
I'll torch a door right off a bridge
I am forever in the remembrance of my
????-running sacrilege
I understand that a faith in a deity
Helps the masses who are having hard times
But blasphemy and the constitution
Are clearly victimless crimes

Blasphemy
Blasphe-you
Jesus Christ
The blackest Jew
Blasphe-you
Blasphemy
Poisonous Pedagogy

I'm a non-believer
I'm a heretic
I'm gonna ????????
I'm a trouble-making immaturist?
I'm gonna turn the other cheek for you
I understand we all got something to believe in
I believe we'll never be given wings
And I'm sorry if I said something I didn't
Cause someones gotta hurt your feelings

Blasphemy
Speaking deadpan
Apparently this God has got a master plan
Now they call foul, pure heresy
But you gotta wonder does he have a plan B

(Bad ass guitar riff)

Horus? similar to Mithna?
Anus? a now ??? Krishna
Jesus different name same story
All based on ancient Egyptian allegory

My position hasn't been acculted?
It can never be more overstated
My intelligence has been insulted
So my tongue lashes out in defense
Anything that you hold as sacred
I'm gonna desecrate and use in jest
But you'll never hear a crack about Muhammad
Cause I don't wanna get shot in the chest!!!

Blasphemy
Isn't this fun
Rob a Rabbi
Bugger a Nun
Blasphemy
Want some more
Mother Mary
The virgin whore

Creeping Out Sara
I was backstage at a festival in Germany
talking to a cute fair skinned brunette
I asked her if she wanted to have a beer and if she liked our set
I noticed that her hair was longer in the back
I figure that's cuz she's Canadian
That's why I was surprised when she told me she was fully lesbian

That's when I realized it was Sara, or maybe it was Tegan
I'm pretty sure that it was Sara
Cause Johnny Sampson said she was the cooler one

I told her I was a big fan of her band
She asked me if I had a favorite song
I admitted that I'd never actually heard them, but I like k.d. lang

I told her this Jew knows about the Juno's
And how they got robbed three times in a row
And then I asked her if she knew of anyone who was selling pills or blow

That's when I creeped out Sara or maybe I just pissed her off
When I asked her if her sister and her had ever had a threesome?
Where they both ganged up one girl, a forgy or a fivesome?
Do they think strap-ons are groovy, and had they ever seen the movie
Bound and did they like Jennifer Tilly, did they like Jennifer Tilly?

Sara said she preferred Gina Gershon, Angelina Jolie
In the Gia movie that was on HBO
And “If These Walls Could Talk” made Tegan cry a lot
After that I forgot what she said
That's the problem with Diazepam, so many things I don't remember
But I've got a sinking feeling, it's not that I'm a clairvoyant

But I think that I creeped out Sara, I was creeping out on Sara
I hope it wasn't Tegan, cuz Matt Skiba said she is the cooler one

Eddie, Bruce and Paul
What happened to Bruce, Eddie, and Paul?
Paul and Eddie had it good
But Paul loved his cocaine and Eddie hated punks
So after a couple years
Eddie broke it off with Paul to look for a new man

Paul got fucked, fucked by Steve
Eddie's at the Red Lion looking for a new steed
Searching for a beau who sings in falsetto

What happened to Bruce, Eddie, and Paul?
What happened to Eddie, Paul, and Bruce?
Bruce and Samson knew
Eddie was looking for a long term, stable relationship
With Paul no longer around,
Bruce left Samson for Eddie cuz Steve convinced him to

Kudos to Paul, fuck you Bruce
How you supposed to rock ‘n' roll without substance abuse
Number of the Beast is in bed with Rob and Judas Priest

First Call
All my neighbors are fast asleep
And I can't find anything to drink
The McKenzie's drank all the grain alcohol
So I'm headed down the street to first call
Me and the Bads were staying up late
Kitty and Victor got dropped from the plate
But no one was contented with the Wednesday wassail
So I said it's only four short blocks to first call
Not a walk of shame it's a walk of pride
Peoples goin' to work while we're getting cockeyed
The sun's coming up and the drinks are goin' down
So shut the fuck up and I'll get the next round

6am, we'll start all over again
No one applying the brakes
We'll stop the sweats and the shakes
We're gonna eat pickled egg
We're gonna see Toby Jeg
We're not gonna let sun light have effect on our fun

It smells like bleach, adult diapers and mold
And everyone around me's over 60 years old
But we're gonna share the next hour or two
We all got each other and nothing better to do
Irish coffee, and Irish car bomb
A fat drunk jew starts singing this song
I take a closer look and the fat guy is me
So I buy him a shot, and he buys me back three

6am, we'll start all over again
No one applying the brakes
We'll stop the sweats and the shakes
We're gonna eat pickled egg
We're gonna hang with Dave Gregg
We're not gonna let sun light help decide when we're done

All my neighbors are fast asleep
And I can't find anything to drink
The Loved Ones drank all of my alcohol
So I'm gonna be the very first one at first call

7.I Am an Alcoholic
I liked going to school,
I didn't want to fool around with drugs
Cuz all of my friends were dropping out
I had to get stuff done, I wasn't fun
I didn't try pot 'til I was 21,
but now I'm overcompensating

I'd like to see what morning looks like
Don't wanna drink pint after pint
I wanna wake up without feeling sick
But I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic
I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic
I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic
I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic

At 28 I realized
hydrocodone was pretty great
For hangovers and late night hangs
I decided to spend my life having the best of times
It's too bad most of them I'll probably forget

And now I know what morning looks like
But only when I greet it from the previous night
My friends are telling me that I need to find a clinic
But I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic
I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic
I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic
I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic

Can't stop taking drugs

My Orphan Year
My father had dementia
He lied in bed for months
Once in a while he'd call me
And ask me to fly down
I told him that I'd love to
But I had things to do
And so he died without his son
I heard about it drunk after a show

My mother battled cancer
For over seven years
I nursed her and I held her
When time was running out
The night before she left me
I drank scotch all night
And thanked her for everything she'd done
Raising me alone wasn't much fun

Dad I can forgive you,
but I'll never forget,
Months I wouldn't see you and when I did
You'd be out with your friends all night
Alone and only nine
I watched the outer limits
And scared out of my mind
I wonder if you felt the same
The days before you died
I wonder if you even knew
Why I wouldn't come around
I bet if you had been there,
There wouldn't be this song

2006 goodbye parents
For once I am sincere
2006 my orphan year

One Million Coasters
Coasters and Frisbees
Fish lures for deep seas
Mobiles for infants
They make great Christmas tree ornaments

Bring the whole family,
parking is free
You're going to love
our selection
of 8-track tapes,
Blank floppy discs,
mobile car phones,
Atari 2600 consoles

Guard rail reflectors
Hold 'em hand protectors
Halloween handouts
We got a ten-thousand foot warehouse
Full of cassette tapes,
Persimmon woods,
Ink jet printers,
telephone booths,
Sony Walkman's,
Kodak 110's,
Analog TV's,
Betamax's

And 10 million CD's

Quitter
Be a winner not a problem admitter un quit
Better to be a hepper than a healthy 12 stepper, forfeit
You wanna keep it goin' but you don't know how
Everyone at meetings gets a Löwenbräu
You quit, you're shit, you're a quitter
(I quit, I'm shit, I'm a quitter)
And no one likes you

Start a pattern of behavior; I see no reason to stop.
You got a habit, got to have it 'til it's finished don't stop
The Charlie Chan's chopped, Pabst pitcher been poured
You got a spare kidney and your liver looks bored
So stop fucking around
(With friends like you I'm fucked)
You're buying the next round

You wanna be a Thompson, Hemingway, Bukowski
Banging Bill Burroughs lived to 83
You're famous and you're rich, quit acting like a bitch
(You're a fucking dickhead)
And no one likes you!

Suits And Ladders
I got manicured fingers and toes
I got 4 layers of pee-soaked clothes but I'm still condescending
Your as and teeth permanent browned
Your face is permanently frowned and I have everything I want
Your life's gotta really suck
You gotta hustle all day just to make the bucks
To get high enough just to forget about what you've become
You're the one who lives nowhere
You think you're life's more than a game of suits and ladders
When nothing really matters
You're not just fluous, you're superfluous
You don't actually do anything, a human redundancy

40 year old Macallans, 40 Old English ounces
Henry the IV double shot
I just finished a bottle of Old Crow
I just bought a case of Chateau Margaux, not the 95, the 96
Your house is of corrections
Your house is full of collections of crap you bought from selling others out
You're the one who has nothing
Your life is a game of unstable bladders, when nothing really matters
You woke up today covered in droppings (stock or bird)
When the bottom drops, my life won't change a bit but yours will turn to shit
You are a superfluous man, I am a superfluous man
You're quite a superfluous man, I am a superfluous man

We Called It America
Remember when America had a middle class
And an upper class, that was way before the exodus
That was the America that we thought was number one,
Thought would overcome, thought would never die
That was just our pride and faith, two shitty deadly sins
I know faith isn't one of 'em but it should have been
Cuz when things were crumbling, we had no camaraderie
Just a faith someone would save us from despondence

We called it America (whoaaaaaa)

Number one America was a slogan used to keep morale up
When we knew we were already cooked
Then the richer western states, succeeded in secession
And the eastern ones followed right behind
Mexi-Can-America was the perfect name that
Epitomized the order of significance, authority and affluence
We had turned it all around
Went from number one straight to number two (shit)

We called it America (whoaaaaaa)

National bankruptcy, circumcised society
USA dined and ditched, Fox reports "poor is the new rich"

We called it America (whoaaaaaa)