1. TIPS FOR TEENS

I've got a snapshot of your Aunt Maureen
She's 90 and you're a teen
I'm trying to cheer you up
Don't be so mean, don't be so mean

Crash, bam, now you're looking good
Tip Top, now you're feeling good
Once more, here's your Aunt Maureen
Don't you feel good, don't you feel good

Chorus
Tips For Teens, Tips For Teens,
The kind you don't see in magazines
Tips For Teens, Tips For Teens,
The kind you don't see on T.V. screens
Tips For Teens, Tips For Teens
Wake up to music

And say you're too sick to go to work
Soon, you will lose all your zits
Tight sweaters no longer fit
Jetsetters will make their pitch
I told you so, I told you so

Repeat Chorus

Don't eat that ice cream
It is vanilla
Give it to me


Don't eat that pastry
What's in the middle
Give it to me

Don't eat that burger
Has it got mayonnaise
Give it to me

Keep that mystique up
And wear a "D" cup
No matter what

Don't eat no curry
Before a very
Important date

Do I look so knowing and old and wise
Maybe it's those Dacron ties
How come you keep asking me
For Tips For Teens, for Tips For Teens

Crash, bam, now you're looking good
Tip Top, now you're feeling good
Once more, here's your Aunt Maureen
Don't you feel good, don't you feel good

Repeat Chorus


2. FUNNY FACE

I looked a lot like a Vogue Magazine
Perfect and smooth, they all called me a dream
Flawless and loveless, no intimacy
I only lived to be seen

Not to be touched, too clean

Chorus:

Funny Face, I want a Funny Face
Funny Face, I want a Funny Face


Billions of dollars are spent on the face
Covering, smoothing, and changing the shape
Everyone wanted a face just like mine
Nobody wanted me
Only to look like me

Repeat Chorus

I'm ungrateful but I don't care
I hear comments from everywhere
Probably nothing behind the face
The face, the face

That was the day that I jumped off the bridge
Trying to end it all, I barely lived
Doctor Lamaar said "your face is a mess"
All of the rest you can guess

I got my one request
(He got his one request)
And I am happy, yes
(And he is happy, yes)
I got my one request
(He got his Funny Face)
And I am happy, yes
And I am happy, happy, happy, happy, happy

Chorus

Funny Face, I got my Funny Face
Funny Face, I got my Funny Face


3. WHERE’S MY GIRL?

Chorus
(Where's my girl, who stole my girl)

Where's my girl, who stole my girl
Where's my girl, who stole my girl,
Tell me where can she be

Well, here's a plea to you listeners everywhere
Help me to find my baby
She's incredible, keep your hands off of her
Keep off, keep off, keep off

Where's my girl, who stole my girl
Where's my girl, who stole my girl,
Tell me where can she be

Well, here's a photo a couple of years ago
She is quite a bit better
She is better, and out of my life and it's too bad, too bad, it's too bad that...

She's been seen with Belmondo
Eating snails in some bistro
Seen in London and seen in Spain
Seen in L.A. with the Dodger team
Seen in Tokyo with Mifune
Having sushi and hot sake
Calm down, calm down, calm down

Where's my girl, I'm calmer now
Where's my girl, I want her now
A joke's a joke, I want her now
Where's my girl, who stole my girl

Well, no one has any principles nowadays
No one has any principles
No one has any principles nowadays
No one, no one

No one has that integrity nowadays
No one has that integrity
No one has that integrity nowadays
No one, no one

Never will I look at another girl
Never will I look
Never will I look at another girl
Hey wait, hey wait
Here she is


4. UPSTAIRS

Man there's so much stuff up here
A quarter pound of lean ideas
Half a pound of dirty jokes
One pound of non-essential quotes

It's where the dreamin' starts (Upstairs)
It's where the jokin' starts (Upstairs)
You got some small ideas (Upstairs)
You got some big ideas (Upstairs)
It's where you calculate
It's where you speculate

Chorus
Upstairs, Upstairs, why don't you get out of there
Upstairs, Upstairs, why don't you get out of there
Upstairs, Upstairs, why don't you get out of my head

You are low on foreign words
Better meet a foreign girl
Take a foreign girl upstairs
And learn a lot of foreign words

A little enchante (Upstairs)
A little hey, ole (Upstairs)
Ich heisse Billy Boy (Upstairs)
A little soya sauce (Upstairs)
You got some big ideas
You got some big ideas

Repeat Chorus

When you want the art to start
You cue the left side and the art will
Start to flow and flow and flow
And leave a stain on all your carpets

Repeat Chorus

When you want the intellect
You cue the right side and you can
Collect the Nobel Prize in person
Or have someone mail it to you

Repeat Chorus

Crammed with common phobias
Still, it's a utopia
This is where you kill a guy
And you know he's still alive

Repeat Chorus


5. I MARRIED A MARTIAN

Well, I married a Martian
And boy, am I sorry

Well, she came down from the sky
She couldn't stand the attitude there
She took human form, not bad
She seemed different
She had a European flair
And I said, "where you from?"
And she said, she said, "I'm from Mars"

Chorus
I married a Martian
Her loving is different
Viva la difference
Every, every night
I married a Martian
I took her to Vegas
I dressed her in ermine
She had the time of her life

Though she called me Mister Right
I could sense something was wrong
She was hardly home at all
She'd keep telling me
She was doing studies of Earth
She had tendencies to flirt
And it really did hurt me

Chorus
I married a Martian
Boy, am I sorry
I don't recommend it
To anyone in their right mind

I married a Martian
I think I see changes
I know I see changes
She doesn't look like our kind

Her arms, her legs,
Were growing and growing
Her form, once thin,
Was changing, was changing
I can't describe
The changes, so gruesome
She looked, she seemed
So Martian

Chorus
I married a Martian
I'm going to Vegas
It isn't for pleasure
I'm getting a quickie divorce

I married a Martian
Boy, am I sorry
I don't recommend it
To anyone in their right mind

I married a Martian
Who was I kidding
She only had loved me
'Cause I was the first guy she saw

I married a Martian
And now it is over
Go back to your cronies
Back to your own form of life

I married a Martian
They're good in the movies
Dramatic potential
But they're not so hot in real life


6. THE WILLYS

It started on a Tuesday
It must have been that lunch meat
I haven't been intimate
And anyway, I'm careful
(We know what you got, boy)
(We know what you got, boy)
(We know what you got, boy)

Chorus
They call it the Willys
They call it the Willys
You shiver and shake
You're doin' Swan Lake
All over the place


Has everyone gone Christian
Well, glory Hallelujah
But I'm beyond salvation
I haven't got a prayer
(The Willys do this to ya)
(The Willys do this to ya)
(The Willys do this to ya, to ya)

Chorus
They call it the Willys
They call it the Willys
It's hard to explain
Like Citizen Kane
To someone who's blind

They call it the Willys
They call it the Willys
You shiver and shake
You're doin' Swan Lake
All over the place

(We know what you got boy, we know what
you got boy, we know what you got boy)

(Physically)
Physically, I'm splendid
(Mentally)
Mentally, I'm splendid
(Morally)
Morally he is lax
And maybe that's the problem

(We know what you got boy)
(We know what you got boy)
(We know what you got boy, what you got)

Chorus
They call it the Willys
They call it the Willys
You shiver and shake
You're doin' Swan Lake
All over the place

They call it the Willys
They call it the Willys
They call it the Willys

The Willys do this to you)
(The Willys do this to you)
(The Willys do this to you, to you)

(We know what you got, boy)
(We know what you got, boy)
(We know what you got, boy, what you got what you got, what you got)

Chorus
They call it the Willys, etc.

They call it the Willys
They call it the Willys
I'm speaking Chinese
I'm swinging from trees
I'm wearing your gowns


7. DON’T SHOOT ME

I am a rhino
Plodding the jungle
Dinnertime's here and
"Baby I'm home"
Me and my baby
We are so happy
Then I smell vinyl
"Darling, let's run!"

Chorus
Don't shoot me
Don't shoot me down
Don't shoot me
Don't shoot me down

I am a hippo
Sloshing through mud and

Work is now over
"Baby, I'm home"
Isn't she lovely
Makes me feel comfy
Then I smell Jeeps and
"Darling, let's run!"

Repeat Chorus (X 2)

I'm a poor slob from
Reno, Nevada
I am a hunter of
Rhinos and hippos
Then I come home from

Months in the bush
I'm tired, I'm weary
"Darling, I'm home"
"Darling, darling, what's wrong?"
"Darling, darling, what's wrong?"
"Darling, darling, who's he?"

Chorus
Don't shoot me
Don't shoot me down, down
Don't shoot me
Don't shoot me down, down, down
Nice shooting
Nice shooting, dear, dear, dear, dear
Nice shooting,
Nice shooting, dear


8. SUZIE SAFETY

I looked up in the sun
And I didn't shade my eyes
Then a girl appeared and said
"Here, these are your size"

Chorus

Suzie Safety
Suzie Safety (That's my Suzie)
Suzie Safety (She's my safety)

I tried to cross the street
And I almost got mowed down
But the softest little hand yanked me back

To safer ground

Repeat Chorus

She says, no smoking
She says, no drink
You should wear a parka
I'm really safe but I kind of resent

Repeat Chorus

When she's near to me
And there's no one else around
And I can't control myself
She says, "safety first, pal"

Repeat Chorus

She says no speeding
And always eat right
Watch your fats and starches
I'm really safe but I kind of resent

Suzie Safety
Suzie Safety (That's my Suzie)
Suzie Safety (She's my safety)

She's safe in my arms
And I'm safe in hers

Repeat Chorus


9. THAT’S NOT NASTASSIA

Man, there's never been a girl like this
That's not Nastassia
What an influential little miss
That's not Nastassia
Imitation is a form of flattery, I'm told
She is getting flattered where it's hot and where it's cold
That's not Nastassia
That's not Nastassia
That's not Nastassia

She is on the news again tonight
That's not Nastassia
Someone looking like her stole a bike
That's not Nastassia
Maybe it's a fad, a sort of modern Hula Hoop
Still, it's of their own free will, no one has been duped
That's not Nastassia, etc

What a sense of power to have sway around the world
What a sense of power to control a billion girls
Change your hair style, they change theirs
Change your nail style, they change theirs
That's not Nastassia

Presidental wives and topless maids
That's not Nastassia
More or less identically the same
That's not Nastassia
If I wasn't masculine, I would join the craze
Dye my hair and take on those Nastassianic ways

That's not Nastassia
That's not Nastassia
That's not Nastassia
That's Nastassia

That's not Nastassia
That's Nastassia

Now she wants some anonymity
That's not Nastassia
And all the rest want anonymity
That's not Nastassia
She should just forget it, it's a carbon copy world
When she starts to fade away, everyone will fade

That's not Nastassia
That's not Nastassia
That's not Nastassia
That's Nastassia
That's not Nastassia
That's Nastassia, etc.


10. WACKY WOMEN

Wack Wack Wacky Wacky Women
Wack Wack Wacky Wacky Women

Hello, everybody, this is Russell
Right before I sing I'm gonna make a muscle
Now that's out of my system
Here's some Munchen wisdom

They're cool and they know it
Don't drool or you'll blow it

Wack Wack Wacky Wacky Women
Wack Wack Wacky Wacky Women

All they like is sex and sitcoms
Try to be suave, they'll kick you in the bonbons
Medic, Medic, Medic, Medic
There goes my athletics

I'm bananas over
I'm bananas over

Wack Wack Wacky Wacky Women
Wack Wack Wacky Wacky Women

Order in the court and here's the charges
Under the influence of Wacky Women
How do you plead, quit making muscles
"Guilty, Guilty"

Have mercy you honor
Show compassion you honor
My feelings are genuine
Don't take me away from them